5 steps to handling tantrums like a pro
Tantrums are normal. But they’re triggering, and sometimes make us feel like we are parenting poorly.
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Tantrums are also more overwhelming if we don’t know what to do when faced with one, especially if google and social media give conflicting advice.
This post distills down some of the basic concepts of handling tantrums in kids over 2 years. Check out my other posts for more about tantrums in general, and more about tantrums in little kids (1-2 years old).
Children are not small adults
We’ve all heard about the “terrible 2s” and the “threenager” phase, and there are some other choice descriptors of 4 year olds and 5 year olds. But tantrums can happen to any child.
To some degree, all kids are still processing in the primitive part of the brain - the emotional center. When they react emotionally, the prefrontal cortex (which governs the ability to regulate those emotions, to think through problems logically, to articulate clearly, and to have impulse control) is essentially offline. Which is why you cannot reason with a child in the throes of a tantrum. Emotional regulation develops with maturity and practice, but is not fully developed until adulthood.
What happens during a tantrum?
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When your child has a tantrum, their primitive brain takes over: the amygdala and the hypothalamus. These trigger a fight-or-flight response, which is why you will see your child flush, breathe more heavily, and even sometimes have a racing heart during a tantrum.
The only way to respond in these moments is to allow time, create connection, and give the body a chance to turn off that fight-or-flight response.
What do I do in the moment?
Remember that tantrums are a primitive response, and not within your child’s control.
It is also wise to keep in mind that everyone wants to be seen, and heard, and validated. This includes kids.
Things to try
Stay calm: Reacting with emotion will do nothing for your child - and in fact, interferes with your ability to connect and quieten.
Connect: Connection and intimacy create comfort in moments when we’re dysregulated. For some kids, this will mean physical touch. For others, it may mean getting to eye level, sitting down next to them, holding a hand, or even simply being in the same room. All these are signals that you are there with them - and you have the time and space for their feelings, no matter how big.
Resist the temptation to end the tantrum by giving in: Tantrums are triggering and especially over something like an extra cookie or more screen time, it sometimes tempting to give in. And while I’m a fan of the “pick your battle” approach to parenting, holding your limits is a crucial tenet in behavioral psychology. Giving in sometimes, but not all the time, only teaches your child that their strategy might work.
Listen to your child, and reflect back what happened (and their feelings): Listening with empathy and naming the feelings helps us all feel heard.
— “You’re really sad we can’t stay at the playground longer”
— “I can see how mad you are that your brother took away that toy”
— “You’re feeling disappointed not to have the extra cookie”
— “I can see that you feel frustrated that you can’t find the lego piece”
Naming these feelings not only helps your child feel heard, but also teaches them how sad, mad, disappointed, and frustrated feel in their body and mind - which eventually should help your child articulate those feelings in the future.
Wait it out: Just take a beat. The tantrum feels endless, but it is not. Once things are settled down, sometimes a change of scenery, a distraction, or offering choices and returning some control of the situation can be helpful. I have some sample scripts on my instagram post from today.
Other ways to teach emotional regulation
I’m a big fan of teaching strategies to help with emotional and physical dysregulation, such as deep breathing and mindfulness. You will not be able to teach these skills during a tantrum, but if your child has practiced them then they can call on those tools for future tantrums.
We use these mindfulness cards (affiliate link) before bed regularly, and because we’ve practiced and my daughter has been able to internalize some of the deep breathing techniques, she has been able to pull those skills in during tantrums. Not always, though!
What about time-outs?
Time ins, time outs, and various behavioral strategies all have their pros and cons, and figuring out the right balance for your family is key. We actually do a combination of these depending on what is going on. There are times when time-outs simply don’t work for my children because they are so dysregulated, they need connection. But we certainly incorporate them in other moments.
I do not believe that any approach is perfect. There are approaches to avoid (such as spanking, which has both long and short term detrimental effects), but in general if you’re trying to learn about how to handle tantrums effectively, you’re probably parenting right.
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In general, as in many parenting decisions and approaches: every child and family are different, and you have to figure out what each child in your family needs.
And keep the long game in mind, always. This tantrum is a single moment, but each single moment teaches skills that will be used all the way into adulthood.
I will try to write a future post on when tantrums become problematic enough to reach out to your pediatrician, too.
