Tantrums: an overview
All behavior has meaning.
We often reassure parents of very young babies that crying is normal because it is one of the only forms of communication a young infant can use.
Similarly, we should also think about tantrums as a form of communication.
Today’s post is a high level overview of tantrums, and how I think about them. But look out for future posts with more specific tips, too!
The bottom line
Ultimately, I want you to remember that tantrums are
normal
developmentally appropriate
do NOT mean that you are failing as a parent.
Working on teaching our children to express themselves effectively is exactly that: work.
It takes time, it takes practice, and it will hardly ever be perfect. And this is all okay. Many adults are still working on this skill!
Tantrums and the pandemic
The pandemic has caused an unprecedented level of upheaval and stress in all our lives. As pediatricians we are seeing rising levels of anxiety and other mood disorders, amongst not just our patients but their parents as well. And it makes sense.
Tantrums happen when we feel:
out of control (eg inconsistency between caregivers, in routine, etc)
dysregulated within the body (hunger, over/under stimulation, fatigue/poor sleep, feeling sick)
frustrated and stressed
anxious, worried or depressed
Recognizing and stating that this is an especially hard time to be a child can be powerful. It is. The people we spend time with, the routines and ways we do things, and how we connect with each other all have changed tremendously.
Its not surprising that we’re all unsettled, and hopefully as things open up and we can get back to normal, it will improve. But remember: transitions in any direction can make you feel out of control - so reassimilating and getting back to normal may well be hard too. Knowing to expect this helps us handle it better.
The job of a parent
Parents have several main jobs: to set limits, to create a safe space for our children, and to teach our children effective ways to manage the challenges and disappointments of life.
Setting limits: Our frontal lobes are far more developed than those of our children, and so we have to take on the weight of making sure our children are safe and healthy.
Creating a safe space: It is no fun to have someone else set limits on what you can do. Feeling upset about that is completely appropriate, and learning to recognize, express and eventually handle those feelings takes time. Creating a safe space does not mean feeling compelled to change the limits you have set as a family, though.
Teaching skills: Life will always have challenges, and disappointments. And learning how to face those and handle the feelings they trigger effectively is what leads to contentment later in life. But those skills are hard to learn, and take practice. Childhood is the time to practice, to fail, to try again, until they are mastered.
When you set boundaries, think about the long game of life. Setting and maintaining your limits on the small things allows you to set and maintain limits for when the stakes are higher. Allowing your child to be frustraed, and hearing them out, teaching them to name those feelings and share them, those are also key - both when the stakes are low (“I’m mad because I want to watch another episode of Paw Patrol”) and when they get higher (“I’m mad that you won’t let me go to the unsupervised party and stay out all night”).
The Pediatrician Mom tip: With that said, I’m all for picking your battles, too. You don’t want to set boundaries about every little thing - we all need wins (and control) - and children are no different. Save the boundaries for the things that really matter.
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Tantrums are a challenge, and I often think of them as the great equalizer. It doesn’t matter who you are (or whether your grandmother is the Queen of England) — children are children, and this is an appropriate stage of development. We’ll talk in future articles about how to handle them!
